If there's a trigram in the I-Ching for "shattered," then it aptly describes most of my last week. On Monday, the front left window of my car literally shattered while I was on the interstate. On Thursday, I found that my arrow had indeed hit its mark, but had not had the hoped for effect. On Friday, my last surviving grandparent died. So I'm a bit confused right now, in that I'm "supposed" to be upset, or angry, or...something. Yet, in this moment, I am content. Happy, even. I'm not entirely sure why, but I suspect it has something to do with "living in the moment."
I can make myself become upset. I can go back in my mind to Friday morning. I had slept on the couch in Grandma's basement, and around 6:30 my mom came down and turned on the light. I was awake enough to mumble "Was that really necessary?" I'm not sure she heard me. "...I think she's gone..." was all she said. That woke me up. Grandma went off dialysis on Monday, and she'd been fading fast ever since. I went upstairs and slowly approached Grandma's room. She was still, frozen in time. One hand half-clutched the rail of the hospital bed they'd brought for her the day before. One toe stuck out between the bars. Her mouth was open...eyes closed. I didn't really need to check for a pulse, but I did. "She's cold," I said.
When I go back to that moment in my mind, I feel the pain. Yet as soon as I bring my mind away from that moment, the pain goes with it. When I go back to the moment when I learned what effect my arrow had, there is pain. Yet in this moment, there is only piece. The past is gone. Only this moment remains. And in this moment, my grandma no longer suffers. In this moment, there is no more waiting. In this moment, I am at peace.
And, in the human way of things, I feel an echo of guilt that I am not dwelling on the past, not wallowing in the pain. But it is only an echo, and is easy enough to recognize and ignore. And the window that shattered on Monday...it got replaced on Tuesday. No one can replace my grandma, of course, but eventually that empty place will fill again.
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I'm not sure what this blog stands for any more. It died once and I'm working on bringing it back to life, one post at a time.
3 comments:
I so enjoy your blog! (Selfishly, I wish you posted more often.) It does sound like you've had a traumatic week, but you seem to have a better handle on your inner self than most of the rest of us. It's nothing to be ashamed of nor proud of. You should be content that you are being true to yourself.
:^) Thanks. And I intend to start updating more regularly again. I just feel like my mind's been chasing itself in circles for a while, and finally noticed the "exit" sign.
I like that phrasing, your "minds been chasing itself," which reminds me I have a blog I've been neglecting called 'Thoughts Chase Thoughts' which I hope to kick into action soon.
Oh, by-the-by, this post is cited in Blogmandu, Roundup for Mar 12-18.
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